The Corona Diaries Week 11: Craving

I wrote last week about how lockdown’s slowly coming to an end, and at the time of writing this, the UK has surpassed 40,000 deaths from Coronavirus. Over 40,000 people. That’s more than the population of an entire country (Liechtenstein to be precise).

I don’t know about you but it feels as though Coronavirus and lockdown was just starting to feel almost like a thing of the past, and the rate of cases is now rising again. I may be wrong, but judging by what I see on social media, it seems that nobody is playing by the rules anymore. If I’m honest, I think the minute the government set the example that Dominic Cummings’ behaviour was acceptable, everybody threw their hands up in the air, retorted a collective ‘fuck it’, and began to do whatever the hell they wanted. When a government official breaks the rules and is not only not condemned, but supported by the prime minister, why would anybody follow anything that the government tells them to do?!

The world feels a bit dark this week. Tensions are mounting and it feels as though everybody is arguing over everything. Am I being pessimistic or does it seem like people just can’t seem to get along anymore?! Though, admittedly, I am more than aware I’ve become quite jaded during this whole pandemic. It’s not something I’m proud of, I usually do see the best in people I swear! Maybe I just have really awful social media feeds and need to actively remember the good things too. Note to self – reason number 9452387498124 to not aimlessly scroll through social media (literally only started doing that in lockdown too!)

In terms of lockdown and restrictions being lifted, I’m generally pretty much living exactly how I have been for the last 10 weeks. I’m still not making unnecessary journeys, not going to supermarkets and life doesn’t feel all too different. The only difference really is that I met up with friends on Monday after work and sat on some grass just chatting for hours, and it felt amazing to be with them! I went for a walk with a friend a few weeks back when that restriction was lifted and it felt so good just to be with her and have a slice of normality. I also went to visit my family again yesterday afternoon, had a wonderful walk along Crosby beach with the dog and it felt amazing to be close to the sea again finally. The sea energises me, as does being with my family, so it was a great day. I’ve been craving the freedom to get back to the things I love doing so much.

Which brings me onto my second observation of this week’s diary. I seem to be craving normal life this week, and I have no idea where it’s come from. I’ve been OK for the last 10 weeks, enjoyed spending so much time at home and generally done well accepting that we’re living through a global pandemic and trying my best to not dwell on the death rate. But this week, out of nowhere I’ve been whacked with an intense yearning for my old life. My Timehop kept showing me that around recent weeks over the last 8 years, I’ve either been at a festival, at a gig, having day seshes with friends or on holiday, so it’s likely that that’s got me going. All of the things that were so engrained in my life, I’ve really started to remember and miss.

I think the main thing I’m missing is music and travel (aside from just generally being with people I love, obviously). I live for both of these, and I really get so much joy out of them, so with everything this year that I had arranged being cancelled, it must be like a delayed reaction of sadness. I’m a big believer in allowing yourself to feel your emotions, regardless of how you may perceive them to be unimportant or minor, but I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sad about all the things that I was hugely looking forward to because there are obviously more important things to worry about. I haven’t exactly played by my own rules there, have I?! I was so excited for my trip around South Australia, my honeymoon, the concerts, festivals and theatre trips with friends and family I had booked, so I wonder whether it’s all coming out now after a long delay! I even suddenly want to throw a 30th birthday bash in August, likely because I know I can’t. It’s funny what the mind does when you know you can’t have something.

Anyway, this week’s entry is a bit rambly, I know. But always true to myself, I wanted to record what I felt in week 11 of lockdown. Week 11 was the week I started to crave normality and get excited for the day that I can finally attend a live gig, sit in a pub or beer garden with friends and family, eat delicious food in a restaurant or travel to a beautiful part of the world to get my culture fix. What a beautiful day it will be when those things return, and here’s my public vow that I’ll never take them for granted again.

See you next week for the final instalment of this series! 

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